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Posts Tagged ‘romance’

(Sorry, no music or movies or Marin County in this post. Well, except for living in Marin.)

Sunday morning. Slept in, scored an extra couple hours of sleep.

Probably would have woken up before 9:30, but the cat insisted on breakfast at her usual 6:00am time. We’re trying to play the ignoring game in hopes of encouraging her to let us sleep in later, but after half an hour of steady purring (not nearly as cute at that hour) the wife gets up to feed her.

Anyway, this is one of those cool wake up slowly mornings where you strike bizarre zombie poses, wondering how else you could waste the day*. Decide to cuddle with the wife, who is engaged in her own zombie pose.

I start thinking about my extended past as a single guy. I’d dream about all aspects of dating…yes, the walks on the beach as well as the stuff now well illustrated on those grown up websites–that I had to use my imagination for at the time. Cuddling in bed on a Sunday morning…check!

Check! Checkity-check-check! FINALLY is what the twentysomething might have said.

Here we are, intertwined in this sweet, romantic moment. And my shoulder facing the bed is KILLING me! If I stretch it under her it gets compressed and goes numb. If I stretch it out between us it acts like an amputated third wheel. Maybe I could stretch it out behind me, but then I’m doing one of those bizarre yoga poses that make you question why you’re doing yoga in the first place.

Then there’s my dragon breath!**

How can you possibly get into that “Ah, this is such a romantic Sunday morning.” vibe when you’re worried about forcing your partner to breathe from her mouth? I twist my head so the breath is directed into her pillow which A. Heats up her pillow in the wrong way. B. Bounces off the pillow and strikes her anyway. C. Twists my neck into another yoga pose, the one that makes you think, “Based on my experience level I REALLY shouldn’t be attempting this!”

I don’t get why humans haven’t evolved into cuddling. It’s clear we’ve evolved to reproduce and have all those difference that distinguish men and women. Seems to me that men’s heads should have evolved to, say, the right side of their body, women’s to the left. Then when you’re in this cuddling situation the heads rest comfortably on each others’ shoulders, no?

But then that would only add fuel to the anti-same sex marriage activists arguments. “See? Gays can’t marry because their heads would be on the same side. They can’t cuddle!” 🙂

*Such as writing this blog post.

**And hers, but for the sake of my marriage let’s focus on why MINE is the problem. 😉

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Maybe because I’m a single musician who spends more time practicing than exploiting groupies (kinda hard when you don’t leave the house!), I have this weird mental disorder where I have to click on any article that tells guys how to meet & date women. Some would say the disorder is that I’m a guy, but whatever…I’m checking Hotmail, reading the latest issue of Men’s Health–which seems to create these sorts of articles hourly–and I go straight to the article or link, unconsciously hoping for some magic secret that will attract a gorgeous supermodel who makes six figures, can cook (hey–I’ll cook too!), laughs at all my stupid jokes and has the Guy Instruction Manual memorized cover to cover, if you know what I mean…double wink and a nudge!

Hotmail is notorious for posting these little dating articles. I’m finished checking my email and just as I’m about to log off I see the headline 5 Signs She’s Into You. The author of this blurb consults with a Special Forces Interrogator about body language, which is funny because I never thought a Special Forces Interrogator had extensive experience with women. Aren’t they busy extracting info from bad guys? But fine, let’s say they can apply those skills to their dating lives. After all, they can’t interrogate forever, they eventually need to return to the private sector so they can interrogate their daughter’s prom date. But seriously ladies, have you EVER done these things (referenced in the above link) to show a guy you’re INTO him?

1. Tilt Your Head?

2.Take a sip when he does–intentionally?

3. Twirl your hair? I mean really! As if women want guys to decipher your secret code! We know that insider information is changed hourly.

4. Get a “glow”. The day I need to start bringing a Geiger counter to a date is the day I move to another city.

5. Pupils dilate??? So she shows up to the date high as a kite and I can interpret that as “She WANTS me!”

How creepy would I look if I started taking measurements and flashing weird tools into my date’s eyes to see if they’re dilated enough. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Nothing…” I cough, taking another sip of my beer to soften the blow I’m about to feel as I’m rejected for BEING CREEPY! If you’re analyzing bizarre physical details of a potential date instead of–speaking as a guy–wondering how this date’s going to end then you’ve already determined HOW it’s going to end…you’re going to bed alone. 😉

Then there’s the crap that fools other guys who don’t leave their cubicles enough (or in my case, their recording studios).

1. Flirtatious touching. Maybe someday I’ll blog about the MARRIED woman on one of my film shoots who did this relentlessly with the actors and crew. Totally harmless…unless you subscribe to Men’s Health.

2. The perfume that has secret pheromones to drive women wild. I think for many women that pheromone is money. For others it’s a guy who wants to get married and have kids.

3. Eye contact…as if she’s going to be rude and stare at the table all night because she’s not interested in you! Come on, maintaining reasonable eye contact is simply good manners.

Since I’ve been single a bit longer than–ahem–average, I’d like to think I’ve picked up a few real world tips as to whether a date is really going anywhere. The list is short:

1. She spends the entire day with you (or longer than a couple hours), despite opportunities to split.

2. The conversation is effortless; You share the same interests and you forget about time…for longer than a couple hours. I’ve had fantastic one hour conversations, so I thought…only to never see them again.

3. SHE takes your hand. If you aren’t picking up on that one you should just sell your brain to science because it ain’t doing much good for anyone else!

Maybe I’m just jealous because the author has a paid writing gig to write this literary granola bar (or Hershey bar, depending on your take). I’m so far off from being a swinger it’s almost a crime that I’m about to dish out romantic advice. Maybe it’s not so much romantic advice, it’s simply stuff I’ve done to minimize the chances of being a doofus:

1. Smile. At least a little.

2. Hold a decent conversation. Read the daily headlines if you need ideas. But I don’t go meeting someone expecting to talk about how I can use an A minor pentatonic scale in a G major chord progression (guitar humor, folks), I’ll shoot my mouth off about anything.

3. One or two phone calls/emails after a date (NO timeframe–just do it!) to test the waters for a second meeting. Anything beyond a yes, such as hesitation, being busy, family emergencies, etc., and there needs to be a hardcore invitation to continue trying (such as calling YOU back or immediately suggesting alternative times) or you’re moving on. If I’m showing interest she needs to put down her copy of The Rules and return that interest–none of this jumping through hoops crap. I remember trying to score dinner with a bridesmaid at my pal’s wedding for over a month. She’d return my calls, clear the line to talk to me for hours. But every time I asked her out I’d get some excuse about a prior engagement and a promise to call later, that never came.

One more thing…I have no idea what I’m talking about. Everyone’s different. 🙂

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