Let me tell you how goofy I was over video games when I was a kid. I was so wacked out obsessed I’d go to a video arcade in Novato called Space Station every Saturday and Sunday morning to scrub toilets and wash windows for free game tokens. Not even the regular bully harassment (they wanted tokens too) could keep me from making the trek rain or shine to my “job”. The passion to beat Tron, Dragon’s Lair, Sinistar and countless other classics was that deep…and it was still a year or two before I would stop thinking girls had cooties. And let me tell you what kind of education it was to see this one bully–a guy–at his Novato Theater job wearing a dress. My quick education in the tomboy thing, but the dude (dudette?) had me fooled.
I took that obsession home, of course. The Atari 2600 and Commodore 64 helped minimize my social life, setting up a path of introversion for guitar to carry me into adulthood. Lucky for me video games got kind of lame in the 90s. Let me rephrase that…not lame, just repetitive and uninspired. Mario Brothers were cool, but the repetitive multi-level games after that were more of the same. Street Fight alright, but everything else was the same. With limited graphics in the 80s creativity within that limitation was king. Tempest looks ridiculous now, but it was the coolest thing in the world when it came out. Elevator Action was a stupid game where you rode elevators and shot bad guys–that I would have maxed out my credit card on if I’d had one. But with the repetitive fighting games and driving simulators of the 90s, it was pretty easy to resist the addiction.
Now the home systems are so cool we almost don’t need arcades anymore. These games are so amazing I’m afraid to play them. My addiction might return! I’ll be at work, planning the strategies around Grand Theft Auto, running all the plays in my head until one of my students says, “Keith? Keith?” And I snap out of my dumb stupor, “Huh? Oh, yeah…” No must resist! But I worry…what if a game came out that was so cool I’d have to buy a game machine, falling off the video game wagon? A game like…
1. Mortal Muppet Kombat: Admit it, you’ve always wanted to see Ernie and Bert fight to the death over crackers in bed, the Count sucking blood out of Cookie Monster, Big Bird stomping down on Elmo. The fatality involves one dude ripping the stuffing out of another.
2. Grand Theft Auto–Clown City: Or maybe Clown and Mime City. Yeah, like you’ve never thought about using one of those game’s weapons on a clown or mime…
3. SIMS Myspace Edition: Control characters as they surf Myspace and build up their social network through adding friends.
4. Guitar Hero Country Western Edition: Danny Gatton would be the expert level, of course. Or we could blend Guitar Hero with Grand Theft Auto and create a game where you have to hunt down bad actors before they’re given record deals. 
5. Dora the Explorer in Raccoon City: No, no, no…I don’t dream about putting kids into therapy, having their cherished Dora fight bloodthirsty zombies from Resident Evil. But surely grownups, burned out from countless hours of hearing “Swiper–no swiping!” would love to take Dora into their own Playstation, have her whip out a grenade launcher and put Swiper in his place once and for all?
6. M. Night Shyamalan’s WTF?: M. Night dips his big toe into video game waters with this epic, compelling, CREEPY adventure that turns into a black and white Atari 2600 game with rastor graphics in the game’s final level.
7. Michael Bay’s Mindblowing FX Extravaganza: Another Hollywood director gets into video games with this game full of amazing graphics, special effects and explosions. The main character is a rock that you can move around the screen, but it doesn’t effect the game in any way.
(I kid! I kid these well-paid, successful directors!)
8. Starbucks: The Game: Control a barista who has to fill quirky orders from impatient caffeine addicts. Sound too much like a job instead of a video game? Welcome to the real world, kiddies!
9. Fifty Cent Dance Revolution: You could put just about any gangsta rapper here. Lots of dancing and shooting.
Good thing I have my music to keep me busy.
Guitar & Bass T-shirts now available!
I chuckled at the everything but the 50 Cent dance game.Rename it to “Hip-Hop 2009″ You play as a no name rapper who must come up with the silliest dance steps in order to sell records. Along the way, you must run from verbally gifted emcees who wish to save the now dwindling genre.
Wow–someone actually read this? Cool! My only other idea is to combine Guitar Hero with Dance Revolution and rap…gotta figure out the hook, though…
The idea of Dora taking out Swiper… yes, I too have contemplated such a thing. It would end the perpetual stealing once and for all.